The pleasure principal: masturbation & your relationship.

This weeks mini blog involves the opinion of 3 men who choose to remain unknown.(I've used fake names instead). This week they answer the following: “Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?” Straight Married Guy (Ben): Every guy has a regular masturbation frequency (RMF) that is more or less unchangeable (though over the long-term, factors which usually have nothing to do with sex — like age or stress — can influence it). Take however many orgasms a guy’s already having with his partner and multiply it by his RMF — that’s how much a guy will masturbate. For example, a friend tells you his RMF is 1.3, so if he’s had a total of 3 orgasms with his partner in the past week, you multiply that by 1.3 to get the number of times he’ll want to masturbate that week (about 4). Now, some guys are high (RMF=2 or more) and others are low (RMF=1 or less!). But even if he has a really low RMF, like .25, that still means he’ll want to masturbate once after he’s had sex five times with his partner that week. So don’t focus on whether or not he’s masturbating: it’s a given. Instead, engage him on what he’s doing while he’s masturbating — what he’s looking at, or imagining, or fantasizing about. That’s where you’ll learn about your guy. Gay Committed Guy (Mark): Perhaps the most obvious answer would be “Why shouldn’t they?” (As long as it’s not interfering with the sex — “Sorry, honey, I’ve already come three times today.”) No, wait, the most obvious answer is, “Because they’re men.” I’m sure, when it’s all over with, that people don’t look back on their lives, regardless of gender, and wish they’d had fewer orgasms. Also, if it’s meant to be a monogamous relationship, better he should have the extra fun with himself than with some third (or fourth, etc.) party(-ies). Straight Single Guy (Max): While it’s hard to believe, I think that most men view masturbation (which we’re addicted to, by the way) as completely separate from our sex lives. When you’re living the solo sex life, you’ve got your fantasies as well as hormones to answer to. The only solution is masturbation. Many turn to pornography. It’s sad. I understand then, that it must be confusing to women when we continue to masturbate, even while having great and consistent sex, after you’ve saved us from our lonely and always wanting existence. Unfortunately, no matter how much we may love our lady friend and the sex that we have with her, it’s incredibly hard to fulfill our voyeuristic and most fantastic desires. We don’t want to cheat (most of us) and yet we have thoughts of other girls, other places and impossible situations. Thus, we masturbate. It’s the eternal answer to everything that plagues men. Don’t take it as an insult to your skills in bed, because trust me: You don’t want to do the things that we’re thinking about when masturbating. Some people wonder if masturbating will decrease a person’s desire to have sex with a relationship partner. In general, the answer to this question is no. Frequency of masturbation is usually a reflection of a person’s overall level of sexual appetite. So, a person who masturbates is also likely to have an equally strong desire for sexual activity with his or her partner. If one partner masturbates, it does not mean that he or she does not have a desire to engage in sexual activity with the other partner. If anything, masturbation can be seen as reflecting a healthy appetite for sex which is likely to also express itself in desire for sex with the partner. Although, in general, if one or both partners masturbate on a regular basis it is unlikely to negatively impact on the frequency or quality of sexual activity within a relationship, there are exceptions. First, a person who masturbates so frequently that it interferes with other important aspects of his or her life (e.g., work, school, social activities) will likely also find that excessively frequent masturbation interferes with their intimate personal relationships. Second, masturbating to orgasm immediately before engaging in sexual activity with a partner is likely to somewhat reduce the speed and intensity of sexual response when having sex. Couples may masturbate each other (called mutual masturbation) or in front of each other. This gives them a way to learn about each other’s sexual response. It is also a way for couples to be sexually intimate if they are uncomfortable with, or not ready to engage in other sexual behaviours such as oral sex or vaginal or anal intercourse. Mutual masturbation also has a much lower risk of sexual transmitted infection than these other sexual behaviors. So, is masturbation a true relationship killer? Thanks for your question. I agree that masturbation is an important topic to address and it’s one that interests a lot of people. Aside from female orgasm, self-love is perhaps the most frequent issue asked about. The two most common things that come up with respect to masturbation are fears about whether this behavior is bad for one’s health and whether it creates relationship problems. Let’s take a moment to clear up these concerns. As a starting point, it’s useful to acknowledge that masturbation is something that the vast majority of men and women have done at some point in their lives.1 Thus, there is nothing inherently unusual or atypical about pleasuring oneself. Furthermore, there is absolutely no evidence that masturbation is harmful to one’s health. In fact, if anything, masturbation tends to be linked to better (not worse) physical and psychological well-being! For example, among women, research finds that masturbation is linked to higher self-esteem2 and, among men, it is linked to a lower risk of developing prostate cancer.3 There is also no evidence supporting the urban legends that touching oneself leads to blindness, hairy palms, or tiny genitals. In short, it seems that masturbators have nothing to worry about when it comes to their personal health. What about masturbation and relationships? Although one might intuitively assume that single people masturbate more than those who are partnered, research has actually found the converse. You may find this surprising, but masturbation is more common among people in relationships compared to those who are single.4 Masturbation therefore appears to be a complement to an active sex life, rather than a substitute for having one. Despite the increased frequency of masturbation in relationships, there are some people who view their romantic partners’ solo sexual pursuits negatively (e.g., they may see it as a sign that their partner is no longer sexually interested in them). However, in the vast majority of cases, this concern is probably not warranted. Masturbation is a normal activity within relationships and, as long as it’s not completely displacing partnered sexual activity, it is not necessarily problematic. Thus, it would be wise not to jump to the conclusion that just because your partner is practicing self-love that they love you any less.